I met up with Muppet Boy for some torrid lunchtime sex today.
End of story. Really.
Until next time,
YPhilotes
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Fashion Designer
So, I received an email the other day:
For those of you that are skeptics - yes, I sometimes give back to society - I’m not completely self-absorbed.
Naturally, I googled him, but could not find any pics. Next, I tried facebook. Interesting - cant really see what he looks like - might be gay. ‘Kay, so he just wants to make friends. Sure, why not? This time, it’s clearly not a date, regardless of what everyone says. I’m not crazy!
Again, I met in Yaletown - at a local coffee shop - which he picked, btw.
Fashion Designer definitely took me by surprise. He turned out to be a cross between Tom Cruise & Wes Anderson. Very attractive - personally, the tom cruise resemblance freaks me out - not a good thing, in my opinion.
I’m quite sure that this dude is just making friends. He’s not a stalker, I don’t think. Maybe he’s gay. Or maybe he’s just unlike all the douche-bags scouring the city. Anyhow, I guess I have room for another male friend . . .
Until next time,
YPhilotes
I just read an article about you in the paper. I'd like to talk to you sometime about what you do. It’s nice to see that you volunteer your time with a non-profit.
A little about me:
Last summer I completed the fashion design program at blah blah blah……
Let me know if you are free to meet for a coffee sometime. My schedule is pretty flexible. I look forward to hearing from you.
For those of you that are skeptics - yes, I sometimes give back to society - I’m not completely self-absorbed.
Naturally, I googled him, but could not find any pics. Next, I tried facebook. Interesting - cant really see what he looks like - might be gay. ‘Kay, so he just wants to make friends. Sure, why not? This time, it’s clearly not a date, regardless of what everyone says. I’m not crazy!
Again, I met in Yaletown - at a local coffee shop - which he picked, btw.
Fashion Designer definitely took me by surprise. He turned out to be a cross between Tom Cruise & Wes Anderson. Very attractive - personally, the tom cruise resemblance freaks me out - not a good thing, in my opinion.
I’m quite sure that this dude is just making friends. He’s not a stalker, I don’t think. Maybe he’s gay. Or maybe he’s just unlike all the douche-bags scouring the city. Anyhow, I guess I have room for another male friend . . .
Until next time,
YPhilotes
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Model / Actor (and not the other way around)
Today, I had dinner with this model slash actor that I once dated. A model slash actor who once proposed to me. Did I mention that we weren’t alone? We were also joined by his recently-acquired very-serious boyfriend . . .
Until next time,
YPhilotes
Until next time,
YPhilotes
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Non-Date Confused Dude
I met this really nice old man with two kids - Matt Lauer type, who worked in Sales and Marketing (that’s what I used to do)- on the set of a photo shoot. He was very interested in my business background, so we exchanged emails, and he promptly emailed me asking me for my resume; He told me he’d let me know “if any opportunities come up”. He seemed nice enough, and he was harmless - I mean, he had two kids. Nothing weird or creepy about him.
I sent him my resume to fw to anyone interested and he replied with a nice email which ended with, what are you doing next week? Do you want to get together for lunch or something?? Let me know
Naturally, I agreed. It was a harmless lunch in Yaletown - I could walk down to the restaurant since it was in the neighbourhood.
Well, what I thought was a harmless lunch, turned out to be something else!!! I figured this out when he started talking about how he’d been a “free man” for the last six months, and “how nice it was to start dating again.”
What?!
Yup, he thought he was on a DATE. Correction, I’m the idiot that didn’t realize she was on a fucking date! Fuck! And that’s not the worst part - turned out, he was STILL married! His wife had just moved out! No divorce! And his kids were 12 and 16! My sister is around 20 - pretty close to his daughter’s age! I was so uncomfortable throughout the rest of lunch - I just wanted to leave! Suddenly, I noticed what a dork this guy was! The receding hairline, the weird bowling shirt, the pleated pants, the aerosoles. And you think I’d date you? Are you fucking kidding me?
I just wanted to get out of there! He asked for the drink menu after lunch, and as I was grudgingly reading through it, he took the liberty of ordering two glasses of red wine EVEN THOUGH I’d told him I hate red wine. Did he forget? Nononono - he turned to me and said, “I don’t know why girls don’t drink red wine. Its great.”
I know where I’d like to stick that glass of red wine, you cunt.
I took out my phone and started texting people, how the fuck was I getting out of this? When could I get up and leave? I’d already told him that I was going shopping after lunch - this was before I realized he was a married father on the prowl for young women. I continued texting, even as the wine came. He sipped his wine, I looked up, and he gestured towards the glasses and said, “I’ll pay for this wine.”
Excuse me?! No fucking shit! You piece of crap cocksucker - just as I was conjuring up new profanities to hurl at this mo-fo, my sister called (I’d texted her to save me). I then told the Baldie that I had to go pick up my sister, so he asked for the bill, which he paid. Perhaps he was trying to seal a second date, I expected him to go dutch, after his little red wine comment. “We’ll have to go for drinks next time,” he smiled as I got up to leave, “Next time you have to pay!”
Right! I pity the fool that dates that creep. Correction, I pity the the fool that dates that still married creep।
Until next time,
YPhilotes
I sent him my resume to fw to anyone interested and he replied with a nice email which ended with, what are you doing next week? Do you want to get together for lunch or something?? Let me know
Naturally, I agreed. It was a harmless lunch in Yaletown - I could walk down to the restaurant since it was in the neighbourhood.
Well, what I thought was a harmless lunch, turned out to be something else!!! I figured this out when he started talking about how he’d been a “free man” for the last six months, and “how nice it was to start dating again.”
What?!
Yup, he thought he was on a DATE. Correction, I’m the idiot that didn’t realize she was on a fucking date! Fuck! And that’s not the worst part - turned out, he was STILL married! His wife had just moved out! No divorce! And his kids were 12 and 16! My sister is around 20 - pretty close to his daughter’s age! I was so uncomfortable throughout the rest of lunch - I just wanted to leave! Suddenly, I noticed what a dork this guy was! The receding hairline, the weird bowling shirt, the pleated pants, the aerosoles. And you think I’d date you? Are you fucking kidding me?
I just wanted to get out of there! He asked for the drink menu after lunch, and as I was grudgingly reading through it, he took the liberty of ordering two glasses of red wine EVEN THOUGH I’d told him I hate red wine. Did he forget? Nononono - he turned to me and said, “I don’t know why girls don’t drink red wine. Its great.”
I know where I’d like to stick that glass of red wine, you cunt.
I took out my phone and started texting people, how the fuck was I getting out of this? When could I get up and leave? I’d already told him that I was going shopping after lunch - this was before I realized he was a married father on the prowl for young women. I continued texting, even as the wine came. He sipped his wine, I looked up, and he gestured towards the glasses and said, “I’ll pay for this wine.”
Excuse me?! No fucking shit! You piece of crap cocksucker - just as I was conjuring up new profanities to hurl at this mo-fo, my sister called (I’d texted her to save me). I then told the Baldie that I had to go pick up my sister, so he asked for the bill, which he paid. Perhaps he was trying to seal a second date, I expected him to go dutch, after his little red wine comment. “We’ll have to go for drinks next time,” he smiled as I got up to leave, “Next time you have to pay!”
Right! I pity the fool that dates that creep. Correction, I pity the the fool that dates that still married creep।
Until next time,
YPhilotes
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Muppet Boy
This dating dairy starts with Muppet Boy. The guy really looked like a muppet - there was something just not quite right about his face. His eyes, or nose, or something -I’m not quite sure. Not that he wasn’t somewhat attractive. He was, clearly, attractive enough for me to agree to go out with him; and, his facebook pics with his ripped torso didn’t hurt, either. Who would have known that he looked like that under his clothes (?!)- I’d initially thought he was just skinny.
I was kind of excited. I hadn’t been on a date in roughly 2 years. I thought I was done with the dating scene; and having gotten myself into quite a debacle (2 years earlier), involving a dude I was dating, a gay friend, my (male) best friend, his girl friend, his female friends and somebody’s gay lovers - I’d decided to take a break. At first it was nice to take a break from dating, but after a couple years, I really started to wonder why I couldn’t get a date. . .
Back to Muppet Boy - So for our ‘date’, he offered to make me dinner. Now, I don’t trust guys’ cooking, so I told him I didn’t want him “to go through the trouble”, but he insisted.
Man, was it disgusting. Dinner consisted of a very mushy salad with loads of goat cheese and strawberries. Um, that’s not dinner. I guess at least he tried. After dinner, and a couple of martinis (he was no bartender), he offered to give me a massage. O-kay buddy - I’m no idiot. This guy had no intention of getting to know me - he clearly just wanted to get down my pants.
When I told him “no such thing was about to happen”, he went cold on me (!) - at this point I channeled my friend Gillian, I’ll show you, I thought. Long story short - we had sex for hours - this guy was like the freakin’ Energizer bunny! Every imaginable position - he was sweating like a pig - and he could keep going for hours. And the best part was, I didn’t have to do a thing - I had no intention of putting any effort in - I mean, why bother with a one-night stand? He was quite the giver, and man, did he give! I had intended on leaving after sex - I’d hate to spend the night - but I was so exhausted I must have passed out.
Huh. Who knew I could be so easy? Well, Muppet Boy, for one...
Thing was, he knew NOTHING about me. If he knew me, he would have been too intimidated to approach me. He didn’t know where I worked, where I lived, if I was educated, my hobbies, interests, nothing! In fact, as far as he knew, I could have had a boyfriend. He really didn’t care.
I came to, in the middle of the night - so, what the fuck, why not fuck again? Which is what we did, after which we somehow passed out. Did I mention his entire apartment was full of giant mirrors, including a mirrored wall at the foot of his bed? Fuck, I had no idea I looked so hot in bed. Did I also mention that he had an amazing body, and a rather ample sized member. Definitely helped.
During the course of the night, I found out the dude was a cuddler. Aarghh! The horror! I do not cuddle! And definitely not with someone I have no intention of dating. Eeyuck! Every time I tried to pull away, he’d pull me tighter. Fuck, he must be lonely. How the fuck was I supposed to sneak away with him holding me? I must have lay awake for 2-3 hours, before dozing off.
In the morning, we decided to fuck again. After 45 minutes, he went limp, and I was ecstatic - I couldn’t have any more sex! I was still sore from the marathon all night. “That’s okay,” I consoled him faux-apologetically.
Unfortunately, he went hard again, and we fucked for another hour.
I left his at 10 in the morning. I was so fucking sore, I had bruises and bite marks on my arms and legs, my core muscles hurt like I’d been doing crunches all day.
All in all, an excellent prelude to a fresh chapter of serial dating.
Until next time,
YPhilotes
I was kind of excited. I hadn’t been on a date in roughly 2 years. I thought I was done with the dating scene; and having gotten myself into quite a debacle (2 years earlier), involving a dude I was dating, a gay friend, my (male) best friend, his girl friend, his female friends and somebody’s gay lovers - I’d decided to take a break. At first it was nice to take a break from dating, but after a couple years, I really started to wonder why I couldn’t get a date. . .
Back to Muppet Boy - So for our ‘date’, he offered to make me dinner. Now, I don’t trust guys’ cooking, so I told him I didn’t want him “to go through the trouble”, but he insisted.
Man, was it disgusting. Dinner consisted of a very mushy salad with loads of goat cheese and strawberries. Um, that’s not dinner. I guess at least he tried. After dinner, and a couple of martinis (he was no bartender), he offered to give me a massage. O-kay buddy - I’m no idiot. This guy had no intention of getting to know me - he clearly just wanted to get down my pants.
When I told him “no such thing was about to happen”, he went cold on me (!) - at this point I channeled my friend Gillian, I’ll show you, I thought. Long story short - we had sex for hours - this guy was like the freakin’ Energizer bunny! Every imaginable position - he was sweating like a pig - and he could keep going for hours. And the best part was, I didn’t have to do a thing - I had no intention of putting any effort in - I mean, why bother with a one-night stand? He was quite the giver, and man, did he give! I had intended on leaving after sex - I’d hate to spend the night - but I was so exhausted I must have passed out.
Huh. Who knew I could be so easy? Well, Muppet Boy, for one...
Thing was, he knew NOTHING about me. If he knew me, he would have been too intimidated to approach me. He didn’t know where I worked, where I lived, if I was educated, my hobbies, interests, nothing! In fact, as far as he knew, I could have had a boyfriend. He really didn’t care.
I came to, in the middle of the night - so, what the fuck, why not fuck again? Which is what we did, after which we somehow passed out. Did I mention his entire apartment was full of giant mirrors, including a mirrored wall at the foot of his bed? Fuck, I had no idea I looked so hot in bed. Did I also mention that he had an amazing body, and a rather ample sized member. Definitely helped.
During the course of the night, I found out the dude was a cuddler. Aarghh! The horror! I do not cuddle! And definitely not with someone I have no intention of dating. Eeyuck! Every time I tried to pull away, he’d pull me tighter. Fuck, he must be lonely. How the fuck was I supposed to sneak away with him holding me? I must have lay awake for 2-3 hours, before dozing off.
In the morning, we decided to fuck again. After 45 minutes, he went limp, and I was ecstatic - I couldn’t have any more sex! I was still sore from the marathon all night. “That’s okay,” I consoled him faux-apologetically.
Unfortunately, he went hard again, and we fucked for another hour.
I left his at 10 in the morning. I was so fucking sore, I had bruises and bite marks on my arms and legs, my core muscles hurt like I’d been doing crunches all day.
All in all, an excellent prelude to a fresh chapter of serial dating.
Until next time,
YPhilotes
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