Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Musician Sighting

I went to the lamest party with Barowner today. We were a couple hours late (thanks to me). What? I was at home, hanging out with my friends. oops.

So, I was at the party, talking to some friends that we’d run into – when a short, fat, bald man grabbed my arm and kissed me on both cheeks. Musician! I forgot this was the same party he’d wanted me to come to. We exchanged pleasantries and he left – he was just leaving the party with his friends, when he spotted me. Hmm, he seems nice enough. No harm in being just friends.

A short while later, Musician came running back in, interrupted my conversation, and hastly pulled me aside.

“I have to ask,” he smirked, “what made you come to this party, when you’d already said you weren’t coming?”

Huh? Um, what?
“What made you change your mind?” he smirked lecherously.
Eeew! No! You’ve got to be kidding!

I quickly turned and pointed towards my date, “Because Barowner is friends with the people throwing this party,” I responded in a static tone. “He really wanted to do the whole red carpet thing,” I shrugged as if I was bored. Inside, I was aghast that baldie thought I was here for him. Eeewww! Good thing he doesn’t have my number...

Until next time,
YPhilotes

Musician

So, this musician dude tried asking me out. He wanted me to go to some lame party ‘cause he was performing at the event. I had no idea who he was – apparently he’s kind of a big deal, but even if he is – that doesn’t impress me. I just don’t find him attractive at all. Short, bald, not in great shape, and to top it off, he’s old – late thirties, maybe even 40. Yuck. (btw, I googled him to hear his music. Still not impressed).

Until next time,
YPhilotes

22-yr-old Bartender

Well, a couple weeks ago, I was out with Bar-owner - we were in some red-neck bar at 1:30 in the morning, when cute bartender walked in with his friends। We were talking, and he leaned down and smiled,

“You are such a cutie!"
“Really?” I guess I’m cute, but I was kinda surprised.
“You’re suuper-cute,” he beamed.
“Thank you,” I gushed.


Small talk ensued, and I ran into into other friends (yes, they were boys) that I knew. At 2am, the bar closed, and I ran into bartender outside, “So what are you up to now?” I asked.
“I don’t know. We need to go drinking. Why don’t you get Barowner to open up the lounge? He’ll do anything you say.”
“O-kay!” I chirped.

So, Barowner and I walked down to his bar, opened up, and I started mixing drinks. “Do you have Bartender’s number?” I asked nonchalantly. “I didn’t tell him I was leaving.”
“He’ll be fine,” slurred my bar-owner, as he tried to hug me. Eeeuch!
“No! I want to text him!” I squealed like a spoiled child। So, he gave me his #, & I texted him, You better not leave me alone with this drunk! It was ur idea to come back here!
Bartender soon showed up with his friend who I’d met earlier in the evening - really cool guy - turned out we had the same agent. Barowner stumbled to another side of the bar (out of sight) and Bartender swooped me up from behind.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” I hesitated.
“Nope!”
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. And I think you’re amazing.”

We had a good laugh -

‘Kay this story is getting too drawn out - long story short, we left the Barowner’s bar around 3:30am. Barowner walked home ‘cuz he had to get up early. Bartender, his friend, myself, and this girl-friend of theirs went back to bartenders place - which was nice and neat and tidy, and tastefully decorated on a budget.

Again, too much detail - Here’s the important stuff - so me & bartender were back at his, and kinky sex ensued. I mean porno quality kinky - this kid was off the hook! And he was mesmerized by how hot my body was. Why cant the guys I date be more like him?! He complimented every inch of my body - talk about giving a girl high self-esteem! And he was amazing with his hands! We had so much fun! I broke my silver necklace from Tiffanys, but it was worth it.

At 8 am I realized I needed to go home, because I was driving out to the valley with my sister - she had a 9:30 doctors appointment, and we were gonna go see my parents. I kissed him good bye, got dressed and ran out the door. I ran into a very nice smiley gay man with a bike, waiting for the elevator. He kept smiling at me. So sweet! On the elevator, he introduced himself, “Hi! I’m Jordi. I’m your new neighbour!” and he shook my hand.
“Hi!”
“Are you off to work?” he smiled.
“Uh-huh,” I nodded sheepishly.

“Where do you work?” he chirped.

“Um,” I hesitated, “I have to be honest,” I smirked, “I’m going home.”
“Oh..” he was taken aback. “I’m not even going to to ask.”
“Nonono! I’m an actor!” I replied.
“Yeah. Well, I could tell,” he laughed uncomfortably. “That makes sense.”
Still giddy from my morning romp, I chuckled along.

Fuck, how the hell do I get myself into these things?! Nevermind, I’m a freaking serial dater - that’s how.

Until next time,
YPhilotes

Monday, November 10, 2008

32-yr-old Barowner

I met Barowner, three years prior, at some event - actually through my friend - whom I dated at some point - and whom is now a very gorgeous homosexual (not uncommon for guys I’ve dated to go gay. Hmmm. Maybe I should re-think that comment . . .)

Over the years, I’d run into Barowner, now and then, but I never realized he was interested. I mean, I was definitely not interested - to begin with, he looked like Xtina’s husband - not exactly my cup of tea. I realized he was interested, only when he facebooked me and said “we should go out”. Huh? Well, he is a bit ponchy, but he does have a fabulous bar/lounge, he’s 32, and drives a Lamborghini. Dating him might be like dating Batman! Yeah! Actually, I meant Bruce Wayne.
Driving around in a gun-metal Lambo
- I was giddy at the thought - I’d have a hard-on if I had a dick!
I’d rather be dating the cute 22 yr old bartender that works in his bar, but at least this one’s available, and interested. Not to mention, better on paper . .

So I went out with the dude a couple of times. Nice guy, but a major alchie - extremely unattractive.
Who wants to go out with a guy that gets so drunk (almost every night) that he slurs, sorta walks backwards when going forwards, and drools?
Ugh!
To top it off, his place was a pigsty - he had clothes in the entry, living room, kitchen - everywhere! Clothes on the couch, clothes on the lamp, clothes on the kitchen counter - it was repulsive. How could he live like that? So, I decided I really couldn’t care for him. But that’s not how it went down. No siree, there’s more to the story . . .

Until next time,
YPhilotes

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Muppet Boy Encore

I met up with Muppet Boy for some torrid lunchtime sex today.
End of story. Really.

Until next time,
YPhilotes

Fashion Designer

So, I received an email the other day:

I just read an article about you in the paper. I'd like to talk to you sometime about what you do. It’s nice to see that you volunteer your time with a non-profit.

A little about me:
Last summer I completed the fashion design program at blah blah blah……
Let me know if you are free to meet for a coffee sometime. My schedule is pretty flexible. I look forward to hearing from you.


For those of you that are skeptics - yes, I sometimes give back to society - I’m not completely self-absorbed.

Naturally, I googled him, but could not find any pics. Next, I tried facebook. Interesting - cant really see what he looks like - might be gay. ‘Kay, so he just wants to make friends. Sure, why not? This time, it’s clearly not a date, regardless of what everyone says. I’m not crazy!

Again, I met in Yaletown - at a local coffee shop - which he picked, btw.
Fashion Designer definitely took me by surprise. He turned out to be a cross between Tom Cruise & Wes Anderson. Very attractive - personally, the tom cruise resemblance freaks me out - not a good thing, in my opinion.

I’m quite sure that this dude is just making friends. He’s not a stalker, I don’t think. Maybe he’s gay. Or maybe he’s just unlike all the douche-bags scouring the city. Anyhow, I guess I have room for another male friend . . .


Until next time,
YPhilotes

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Model / Actor (and not the other way around)

Today, I had dinner with this model slash actor that I once dated. A model slash actor who once proposed to me. Did I mention that we weren’t alone? We were also joined by his recently-acquired very-serious boyfriend . . .


Until next time,
YPhilotes

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Non-Date Confused Dude

I met this really nice old man with two kids - Matt Lauer type, who worked in Sales and Marketing (that’s what I used to do)- on the set of a photo shoot. He was very interested in my business background, so we exchanged emails, and he promptly emailed me asking me for my resume; He told me he’d let me know “if any opportunities come up”. He seemed nice enough, and he was harmless - I mean, he had two kids. Nothing weird or creepy about him.
I sent him my resume to fw to anyone interested and he replied with a nice email which ended with, what are you doing next week? Do you want to get together for lunch or something?? Let me know
Naturally, I agreed. It was a harmless lunch in Yaletown - I could walk down to the restaurant since it was in the neighbourhood.
Well, what I thought was a harmless lunch, turned out to be something else!!! I figured this out when he started talking about how he’d been a “free man” for the last six months, and “how nice it was to start dating again.”
What?!
Yup, he thought he was on a DATE. Correction, I’m the idiot that didn’t realize she was on a fucking date! Fuck! And that’s not the worst part - turned out, he was STILL married! His wife had just moved out! No divorce! And his kids were 12 and 16! My sister is around 20 - pretty close to his daughter’s age! I was so uncomfortable throughout the rest of lunch - I just wanted to leave! Suddenly, I noticed what a dork this guy was! The receding hairline, the weird bowling shirt, the pleated pants, the aerosoles. And you think I’d date you? Are you fucking kidding me?
I just wanted to get out of there! He asked for the drink menu after lunch, and as I was grudgingly reading through it, he took the liberty of ordering two glasses of red wine EVEN THOUGH I’d told him I hate red wine. Did he forget? Nononono - he turned to me and said, “I don’t know why girls don’t drink red wine. Its great.”
I know where I’d like to stick that glass of red wine, you cunt.
I took out my phone and started texting people, how the fuck was I getting out of this? When could I get up and leave? I’d already told him that I was going shopping after lunch - this was before I realized he was a married father on the prowl for young women. I continued texting, even as the wine came. He sipped his wine, I looked up, and he gestured towards the glasses and said, “I’ll pay for this wine.”
Excuse me?! No fucking shit! You piece of crap cocksucker - just as I was conjuring up new profanities to hurl at this mo-fo, my sister called (I’d texted her to save me). I then told the Baldie that I had to go pick up my sister, so he asked for the bill, which he paid. Perhaps he was trying to seal a second date, I expected him to go dutch, after his little red wine comment. “We’ll have to go for drinks next time,” he smiled as I got up to leave, “Next time you have to pay!”
Right! I pity the fool that dates that creep. Correction, I pity the the fool that dates that still married creep

Until next time,
YPhilotes



Thursday, October 2, 2008

Muppet Boy

This dating dairy starts with Muppet Boy. The guy really looked like a muppet - there was something just not quite right about his face. His eyes, or nose, or something -I’m not quite sure. Not that he wasn’t somewhat attractive. He was, clearly, attractive enough for me to agree to go out with him; and, his facebook pics with his ripped torso didn’t hurt, either. Who would have known that he looked like that under his clothes (?!)- I’d initially thought he was just skinny.

I was kind of excited. I hadn’t been on a date in roughly 2 years. I thought I was done with the dating scene; and having gotten myself into quite a debacle (2 years earlier), involving a dude I was dating, a gay friend, my (male) best friend, his girl friend, his female friends and somebody’s gay lovers - I’d decided to take a break. At first it was nice to take a break from dating, but after a couple years, I really started to wonder why I couldn’t get a date. . .

Back to Muppet Boy - So for our ‘date’, he offered to make me dinner. Now, I don’t trust guys’ cooking, so I told him I didn’t want him “to go through the trouble”, but he insisted.
Man, was it disgusting. Dinner consisted of a very mushy salad with loads of goat cheese and strawberries. Um, that’s not dinner. I guess at least he tried. After dinner, and a couple of martinis (he was no bartender), he offered to give me a massage. O-kay buddy - I’m no idiot. This guy had no intention of getting to know me - he clearly just wanted to get down my pants.

When I told him “no such thing was about to happen”, he went cold on me (!) - at this point I channeled my friend Gillian, I’ll show you, I thought. Long story short - we had sex for hours - this guy was like the freakin’ Energizer bunny! Every imaginable position - he was sweating like a pig - and he could keep going for hours. And the best part was, I didn’t have to do a thing - I had no intention of putting any effort in - I mean, why bother with a one-night stand? He was quite the giver, and man, did he give! I had intended on leaving after sex - I’d hate to spend the night - but I was so exhausted I must have passed out.
Huh. Who knew I could be so easy? Well, Muppet Boy, for one...
Thing was, he knew NOTHING about me. If he knew me, he would have been too intimidated to approach me. He didn’t know where I worked, where I lived, if I was educated, my hobbies, interests, nothing! In fact, as far as he knew, I could have had a boyfriend. He really didn’t care.

I came to, in the middle of the night - so, what the fuck, why not fuck again? Which is what we did, after which we somehow passed out. Did I mention his entire apartment was full of giant mirrors, including a mirrored wall at the foot of his bed? Fuck, I had no idea I looked so hot in bed. Did I also mention that he had an amazing body, and a rather ample sized member. Definitely helped.

During the course of the night, I found out the dude was a cuddler. Aarghh! The horror! I do not cuddle! And definitely not with someone I have no intention of dating. Eeyuck! Every time I tried to pull away, he’d pull me tighter. Fuck, he must be lonely. How the fuck was I supposed to sneak away with him holding me? I must have lay awake for 2-3 hours, before dozing off.

In the morning, we decided to fuck again. After 45 minutes, he went limp, and I was ecstatic - I couldn’t have any more sex! I was still sore from the marathon all night. “That’s okay,” I consoled him faux-apologetically.
Unfortunately, he went hard again, and we fucked for another hour.

I left his at 10 in the morning. I was so fucking sore, I had bruises and bite marks on my arms and legs, my core muscles hurt like I’d been doing crunches all day.

All in all, an excellent prelude to a fresh chapter of serial dating.

Until next time,
YPhilotes

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Rules

Hi. My name’s Dani and I am a serial dater. Why? Because I can be. It’s not like I’m a commitment-phobe or anything, it’s just very difficult to find a man worth committing to - and it’s not like I haven’t tried.

It’s interesting how attractive, womanizing men are revered in our society; yet, if a woman does the same, she is labeled a 'slut'. I beg to differ - ‘dating’ is not the same as ‘sleeping’ with multiple men. And sometimes, if the shoe fits . . . no harm done.
I'm not gonna lie - I’m a shallow person and appearances are very important to me. However, regardless of how attractive a man may appear, most still manage to bungle up the first date.
If you are wondering why I never called you, or why I blew you off after (or even during) the first date - see below:

jhkj
  1. NEVER is it okay to ask me to pay for the date. Never.
  2. Dressing bad. And, I mean very bad. A major deal breaker for me.
  3. Boasting about your threesome adventures. And asking me if I’d do a ‘three-way’.
  4. Bragging about how hot your ex-girlfriends were. This does not impress girls. In fact, it makes you out to be a loser - no matter how hot and/or wealthy you are.
  5. Not caring to find out a single thing about me. Speaks for itself. It’s pretty clear what your intentions are.
  6. Fawning over how ‘gorgeous’ you think I am. Once is nice. Twice is still good. Anything more than three times can become irritating.
  7. Following this by telling me how you find my bitchiness sexy. Not cool. Grow some balls.
  8. Asking me for a ride home.
  9. Trying to kiss me when I’m disinterested - I’m not playing hard to get, I really don’t like you. If you’re wondering why - see (rules 1-8) above.
  10. If I put out on the first date - I have no intention of ever seeing u again. Sorry. It’s not like guys don’t do the same thing.
jhkj
Women, take note - most (not all) men are scum. I have learned that the majority of guys on first dates are not interested in you at all - they just want to get down your pants. It helps if you’re eye candy for them and especially helps if you appear to have money - the latter helps you attract more successful types - but, they still have the same goal as their bourgeoisie counterparts. Although, sometimes, it's okay if that’s all they’re good for . . .

Think about it.

Until next time,
YPhilotes